... and this week’s BOLA
(Bad Opening Line Award) goes to ...
... United Healthcare.
Their direct mail package arrived today. Here is how their would-be sales letter begins:
Dear Steve,
It’s a big responsibility, running a business. Employees look to you for guidance and decisions. When they have a question ....
... I won’t bother typing the rest of the opening paragraph. It is too boring to read, and certainly too boring to type. The letter’s subheads, usually a good idea, are equally woeful. In order, they are, “You have questions,” “We have answers” (Radio Shack, anyone?), and “Get the answers you deserve.” Gag me with a spoon.
Folks, there are many ways to open a sales letter that don’t involve boring your reader. You can offer a benefit (“Here’s an easy way to...”), pique curiosity (“I admit I never saw it coming...”), share news (“Doctors at the Mayo Clinic recently discovered...”), win a nod of agreement (“Ever notice that...”).
But don’t patronize.
Don’t lecture.
Don’t waste time.
And for heaven’s sake don’t bore.
If you enclose a reply card, good for you. But here’s a tip: unlike United Healthcare, print the darned thing on uncoated paper. You know, so people can write on it. And so the ink won’t smear. Or come off on their sleeve.
Folks, there are many ways to open a sales letter that don’t involve boring your reader. You can offer a benefit (“Here’s an easy way to...”), pique curiosity (“I admit I never saw it coming...”), share news (“Doctors at the Mayo Clinic recently discovered...”), win a nod of agreement (“Ever notice that...”).
But don’t patronize.
Don’t lecture.
Don’t waste time.
And for heaven’s sake don’t bore.
If you enclose a reply card, good for you. But here’s a tip: unlike United Healthcare, print the darned thing on uncoated paper. You know, so people can write on it. And so the ink won’t smear. Or come off on their sleeve.
Their mailing envelope (above) is almost good. They deserve high marks for having an incentive offer. But they deserve demerits for overshadowing it with the headline, “Health insurance is changing / CHANGE with it.” It adds nothing while robbing attention from the more important free information offer. Which, by the way, needs work. Real people don’t say “complimentary,” and neither should your direct mail. Use “FREE.” If you think that’s unprofessional, get over yourself. Indulging your fantasy that big words impress, that is unprofessional. (Moreover, is it just me, or at first glance did you, too, see the giant “CHANGE” and, with the red, white and blue layout, mistake this for a mailing from the Democratic Party?)
A free offer is always a good idea, though they could have done better than the obviously self-serving, “10 Tips to Help You Choose the Best Health Insurance Plan for Your Business.” (“Gee,” thought no prospect, “I wonder if the 10 tips will make United Healthcare come out looking good or bad.”) Here is a possible improvement: 10 Inside Tips Most Health Insurance Companies Don’t Want You to Know. Better yet, offer a gift. For instance, a Starbucks latte. Anyone who responds for the publication will likely be a good, qualified lead; but a gift will likely attract, besides people who just want the coffee, a greater number of qualified leads than the information offer will.
Now it’s my turn to be utterly self-serving. They should have hired us.
—Steve Cuno
A free offer is always a good idea, though they could have done better than the obviously self-serving, “10 Tips to Help You Choose the Best Health Insurance Plan for Your Business.” (“Gee,” thought no prospect, “I wonder if the 10 tips will make United Healthcare come out looking good or bad.”) Here is a possible improvement: 10 Inside Tips Most Health Insurance Companies Don’t Want You to Know. Better yet, offer a gift. For instance, a Starbucks latte. Anyone who responds for the publication will likely be a good, qualified lead; but a gift will likely attract, besides people who just want the coffee, a greater number of qualified leads than the information offer will.
Now it’s my turn to be utterly self-serving. They should have hired us.
—Steve Cuno
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