FDA to the rescue!
That’s right. You can breathe easy, knowing you will never again be taken in by the likes of soy, rice, almond, macadamia nut, and other so-called “milks.”
The proposed regulation comes not a moment too soon. Heaven forbid someone might try to milk an almond tree. Or that Playboy might feature a rice pictorial.
Meanwhile, it’s perfectly okay to market alternative medicine as medicine, chiropractors and naturopaths as physicians, product-based pyramid schemes as network marketing, and organic and natural products as if they weren’t cons riding the Appeal to Nature Fallacy.
Concerned citizen that I am, I have prepared a list of products for Gottlieb’s future crackdowns:
- Peanut butter isn’t really butter.
- Naugas don’t have hides.
- Chili peppers aren’t of the pepper family.
- Mars bars aren’t made on Mars.
- A quarter pounder costs way more than a quarter per pound.
- There is no tooth in toothpaste.
- Facebook isn’t a book.
- Best Foods’s foods aren’t the best foods.
- Honeycomb cereal doesn’t contain honeycombs.
- Lady Gaga is really Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta.
- Shih tzus aren’t real dogs.
- Lululemon products contain no lemon.
If you’re so cynical as to suspect that the dairy industry is behind the proposed change, let me state clearly and for the record that, well, yeah, it is. Which is funny for two reasons. (1) A word change will be a revelation to no one. Alt-milk sales aren’t growing like mad among people don’t know a macadamia nut from a cow, but among people who know what’s in real milk and don’t want to consume it. (2) By lobbying for the word change, the dairy industry makes itself (and Gottlieb) look silly.
Mind you, I support the FDA. Most of the time. I like the sense of security that comes from knowing I’m consuming products that have passed scrutiny. Moreover, readers of this blog know I’m no defender of misleading advertising. I might add, too, that I love milk. Chocolate milk is the food of the gods. And, no, I have no alt-milk clients.
Thing is, the idea behind the FDA is consumer, not industry, protection. Until a significant portion of the population are misled into thinking they can milk magnesium, the proposed crackdown protects no consumer. The FDA should tell the dairy industry to pipe down. Otherwise, we’ll have to find another word for milking, as in, the U.S. dairy industry is already milking the federal government for 73 percent of its revenues.